And Still We Rise
The "And Still We Rise" Podcast (formally known as The Ego Project), is hosted by mental health therapist and group practice owner, Cristine Seidell. It is a space where look deeper into our limiting beliefs or behavioral patterns, seek to understand our authentic self and find new and exciting ways to celebrate the radiance we are meant to bring into the word. Through unscripted and unedited conversations with thought-leaders, therapists, spiritualists, and creatives, And Still We Rise explores how childhood wounding and intentional healing impacts our lives.
And Still We Rise
The Conscious Dater's Guide to Finding Real Love
Conscious dating means intentionally seeking a partner who aligns with your values, goals, and life vision while you continue to grow as a whole person outside the relationship.
• Dating yourself first and building a strong foundation of self-love before seeking a relationship
• Creating your "ice cream sundae" of life with a relationship as just the sprinkles on top
• Ensuring financial independence and strong social connections as protection against toxic relationships
• Identifying your core values, passions, and non-negotiables before entering the dating scene
• Recognizing red flags like love-bombing, extreme views about family members, and disrespect toward others
• Looking for green flags such as self-awareness, respect for your autonomy, and healthy communication
• Giving relationships at least three months to develop before making serious emotional commitments
• Dating apps can provide practice in identifying compatible qualities, but meeting organically often yields better results
• Being clear about boundaries and willing to walk away when your standards aren't met
Listen to Part 2 of this conversation where we'll dive deeper into conscious dating and how to move toward conscious commitment.
Thank you for tuning into And Still WE Rise! If you would like to learn more about me or the work our practice is doing, feel free to follow us on Instagram at:
@atltherapygirl and @risetherapycenter
Or check us out at www.risetherapycenter.com
Disclaimer: And Still We Rise is meant to provide perspective and meaningful conversations around mental health topics. It is not meant to provide specific therapeutic advise to individuals. If anything in these podcasts resonates, ASWR recommends consulting with your individual therapist or seeking a referral from your primary care physician.
Hello and welcome to. And Still we Rise. I'm your host, christine Seidel, and today we have Allison Robinson who is joining us, and we are talking about conscious dating. Welcome, allison.
Speaker 2:Hi nice to be here.
Speaker 1:Yes. Well, before we begin, let me read just a little bit of bio on Allison and then we'll kind of jump into our topic. Allison has a 12-year background in the construction industry, working primarily in sales. After going on her own healing journey with the help of a counselor and a few specialized coaches, she made the decision to change her career paths due to the dramatic changes in her life. Once she began, she began her journey back to school as a recently divorced single mom at the University of Phoenix, where she got her degree in industrial organizational psychology. That's a tongue twister. She utilized skills and lessons learned to build her own business on consulting and coaching small businesses and began to provide coaching to individuals who seek guidance navigating their careers, dating and relationships.
Speaker 1:She's currently in her graduate program at Liberty University, becoming a licensed professional counselor in clinical mental health. As she works to complete her program, she's seeing clients as a master's level clinician at Rise Therapy Center. She sees clients of all ages and works with clients with anxiety, depression, personality disorders, PTSD all ages, and works with clients with anxiety, depression, personality disorders, PTSD, level one, autism, and is experienced in play therapy. She also loves working with couples and clients who are coming up for help navigating dating and relationship, because it provides a window to the relationship with the self. This provides clients with help navigating relationship problems while also learning more about themselves and growing in every area of their life.
Speaker 1:Welcome, Allison Such a vast level of experience. I've had the privilege of working with Allison at RISE through supervision and consultation. I have to say her perspective on relationships and the self is so deep and wide and she's been just such a just a wealth of information and great support to her clients. So I can't wait to talk about dating today. So, with that being said, dating is I don't know if it's a four letter word, but it feels like that sometimes in this, in this culture, and it's been such a complicated thing for people who are navigating the dating world as as they seek connection and relationship. So how would you describe conscious dating Like? What is it? Why is it important to talk about?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so conscious dating is intentional dating about. Yeah, so conscious dating is intentional dating. It's knowing what qualities you want in a partner and making sure that the partner that you choose matches your goals, your values and can help you also get what you want out of life. So you're growing together in partnership. So a lot of people will date because they want love and they want a companion.
Speaker 1:And that's wonderful.
Speaker 2:That's a human need. We're built to be social creatures. However, that's not the only thing that's important in a relationship. We want to have someone that helps help us grow our lives, help us become better people and help us reach our goals.
Speaker 1:It's so true and I feel like you know, when we're developmentally at an age for dating, usually you know, like in high school, where we have a little bit more freedom, it was so simple. It feels like back then, where it was like oh, we have a lot of similarities and this, that and the other, but as as you've had life experiences and you know relationships that have been unsuccessful, it is really important to become a lot more, you know, conscious and intentional about how you're showing up in dating and you know there's a lot of different narratives and ways that people want to tell you how to do it. So, before we even step into dating, what do you think is so important, to kind of start with.
Speaker 2:The self, yeah, the self. You want to make sure that your relationship with yourself is healthy and growing in self-love yourself is healthy and growing in self love, because, you know, the beautiful thing about that is we attract what we feel about ourselves. And you know some people feel like there's a spiritual level to that, but there's also a rational level, because when we love ourselves, we're not going to put up with someone who makes us feel bad about ourselves.
Speaker 2:And also, when we put that self-love into ourself and grow our self-concept and just grow holistically as a person, we're more likely to meet someone who's also done that work, because they're likely to be dating consciously and intentionally and evaluating you just the same as you're evaluating them just the same as you're evaluating them.
Speaker 1:I think that's such a key component of dating is is are you a vessel for what it is that you, you want in somebody else? And I think so many times in conversations with people, as they're navigating the difficulties and probably having patterns of relationships you know there'll be, like I want somebody to make me feel this, that or the other. And that's such a dangerous territory to go into, because if you don't feel that intrinsically, how can somebody make you feel that externally? So you're right, I think that is really important to to do that self-work. So what would you say are the key components of doing that self-work?
Speaker 2:So when I was kind of starting my journey, I had a counselor tell me to make an ice cream sundae. And to do that. She was like view relationships as the sprinkles on top. So you've already got your ice cream, you got your chocolate syrup, you got all the toppings, all of that stuff and the the person that you're dating is just adding to what you already have. So you already are building that foundation of safety within yourself.
Speaker 2:You know, you're working on yourself to making sure that your safety needs are met. You know you're housing food and also like going into like a sense of belonging, with social connections and just kind of creating an environment where you feel fulfilled before you start dating where you feel fulfilled before you start dating.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like that narrative of you know, date yourself first or like, enjoy your own company first. In my own experience it was kind of getting out of a very toxic relationship and spending so much time with, like myself and you know, feeling and hearing myself again without the enmeshment of a relationship, and working with my therapist to kind of remember like who I am. Outside of that enmeshment it really became I genuinely enjoyed my company.
Speaker 2:I thought it was hilarious.
Speaker 1:I thought my jokes were so funny and and it you know when I, when I was ready to begin dating, I had to like, be like okay, so if I'm going to go out with people, it has to be that I I genuinely want to enjoy their company too, like if I'm going to leave my own company with myself and like my kids and my community, it would have to be somebody that I genuinely enjoyed it just as much or more, you know. So I think that is such an important component is learning that that Sunday there's so much underneath that cherry, there's so much sweetness and goodness that you have to explore before the relationship gets to be that extra component to it, and and that that's healthy. You know to take time to do that, to to hear yourself again, so like remember what it is that you bring to the world and and therefore to a relationship.
Speaker 1:So I love that. I love it.
Speaker 2:And you know the ice cream.
Speaker 1:The ice cream sundae, you know, really does go with those like hierarchy of needs, you know. So what would be like the foundational, like components that you would want to see within yourself before you step out into consciously dating?
Speaker 2:consciously dating. Yeah, so you, you'd want to make sure that you know you have enough money to support yourself. And this is something that I especially stress to women, because I see a lot of women who are stuck in toxic relationships because they feel like they can't leave financially. Another thing is the social aspect. You know, if someone feels isolated they don't have that sense of belonging in the community then they're going to stay in situations that may not even be necessarily toxic, but they're not really good for them.
Speaker 2:They're not growing, they are not getting their needs met. So I think those are definitely the biggest things. It's making sure that you feel safe and secure, you have enough money to support yourself, you have that social connection, and and then going up in the hierarchy of the Maslow's pyramid you know, we got a self actualization, you know we feel confident about ourselves.
Speaker 2:We have self esteem to where you know. If someone's talking badly about us, it's just like that's not me Like yeah, yeah, yeah, and you're just gonna like not tolerate that you know and. I liked how you mentioned you know the toxic relationship because when, I think about the Sunday. I think about you know you built it, and what if there's like some poisonous sprinkles out there and you got this great sunday like?
Speaker 1:you're not gonna build the sunday.
Speaker 2:For maybe months, years, you're working to create it, you know yeah yeah, and you're gonna evaluate okay, like, let me like check this for andy let me do my do.
Speaker 1:Does this have an expiration date on it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you know you have a happy life, you're feeling fulfilled and you want to protect that.
Speaker 1:And I think that you know, when you talk about like, safety, like and really being, you know, do almost like an assessment of your life, take an inventory of like, how secure and stable is my foundation, meaning my finances, my relationships with you know, very safe and stable place that I can't be influenced to because I need security, and I think that's a very important thing to take an inventory on. And your, you know, comment about belonging and having community. You know, sometimes like we can get caught up, you know, in somebody's narrative and that's why I say it's really important to date somebody over a period of time to see consistently who they are before you jump into like a major commitment. Community helps us see the things that maybe we don't see and if we don't have a sense of belonging, a sense of community, that's very protective of us and we belong to that and we are one with them. We may not have that.
Speaker 1:That, that chamber that is going to to send the messages to us that like, hey, like, I'm not okay with the way that they treated you in this, that's that's concerning to me. Or, hey, that's a really good person, you know, like, like, I love that they, like you know, showed up for you in that way, like they're going to echo what it is that we need to hear. But if we don't have that, we get stuck in this like vacuum of just whatever the interaction is between the two. So I think, you know, safety and belonging have to be there before we can step out. And I love the sprinkles, like everything we have underneath. It is so sweet and it's so good and it's so yummy. Whatever we put on top of it, we want to make sure is is adding to it and that it's not. It hasn't passed its expiration date or we're not allergic to it.
Speaker 1:Like we look like at the toppings and we're like, let me see what there is, and let me choose so that it doesn't it doesn't take something that I'm really excited about and turns it into something that that ends up, you know, being gross and I throw it away, which I feel like sometimes we have to do that. So when you are like at that place where you've done some self-work, you feel confident going into the dating world, you have the community and the safety. How do you start focusing on dating, like how?
Speaker 2:do you take?
Speaker 1:those steps.
Speaker 2:So something that I did was I kind of broke it down into different categories. And I was like how do I want to feel in a relationship? What are the emotions that I want to feel?
Speaker 2:What qualities do I want in a person? And those lists were. They're fine tuned over time as you're dating, and learning is before you even start thinking about what qualities you want. What do you want out of life? What are your passions? What are your goals? What are your interests? What do you value? You know, are you someone who really values like social causes? You know, is that important to you? Where you want someone who is also very socially proactive, and then you guys can grow in that together. And and something that you know I went into when I was being very intentional was I was like okay, as I'm dating, I want to make sure that this is adding right. So, at the same time, though, I also wanted to create a life where, you know, at the end of it, whenever that may be, I can look back whether or not I ever meet a partner and say that was a life well lived.
Speaker 1:Like I enjoyed that.
Speaker 2:I love who I am. I love what I did. I love the experiences that I had. I loved and been loved.
Speaker 1:You know maybe even not in the romantic sense is not to become like dependent and codependent, but we want interdependence, meaning like we have such a sense of self that we go out in this world and we live with intention and we serve with purpose and we are lit up in the things that we are doing and being and bringing forth. And then we come to the relationship and that's where we get to share, like in the richness of that and, and you know, we get to dwell in theirs and they and ours, and you know.
Speaker 1:but ultimately it's to be in this world as yourself, full of life and and content in how you're navigating it and being really clear on what it is that you want to experience within a relationship, and I love that you didn't say well, I want them to make me feel this way, but you're like how do?
Speaker 1:I want to feel in a relationship, how do I want to be embodied while experiencing a relationship? Okay, so we've kind of talked about the self and like how we want to be and like within a relationship, how we want to feel, how we want to be able to be in this world. So, okay, now that now the good stuff how do we start looking towards potential partners?
Speaker 2:Well, now that we've kind of evaluated, like, what you want out of life, what your values and goals are, where is someone like that going to be? Are you going to meet them at the gym? Are you going to meet them at networking events? Are you just going to be like out and about or some type of hobby? Because if you're dating someone or you're going to date someone that has similar goals and Mm hmm, I think that's that's interesting, that you're saying.
Speaker 1:That is like so people get very fixated on, you know, meeting somebody. They're like, we're so similar, we really, we love the same things, we have the same beliefs. You know, we're on the same page in politics this, that and the other and the other. And then they ultimately get bored. Or they're like oh, I met somebody. It's just like this insane chemistry and there's so much passion and yet like completely dissimilar people. So how do you? You know you could go and you could look at all these similar places, but like, how do you determine what's a healthy connection, what's not a healthy connection? How do?
Speaker 2:you determine what's a healthy connection, what's not a healthy connection. So that just takes a lot of time. You're I mean you're also asking them the questions, like, as you're going through the dating process, you're having these conversations like where do you want to go in life? Like what makes you happy? Like what, what dislikes do you have?
Speaker 2:And it takes a while and I try to tell people try to wait three months before you fall and and that's hard, you know, yeah, yeah like reel it back in for at least three months, as much as you can, because you really don't know someone, and so you dated them for at least three months, and then you're still learning but, especially like the first few dates, like, um, I'll, I'll talk to people and they're like, oh my god, like we had our first or second date and he's so great, like all this stuff, and I'm like he's still a stranger, you know yeah yeah, he could be amazing.
Speaker 2:Um, and I'm not discounting that possibility, but like let's, let's reel it back in. And you know, because something that happens is we get in this fixed mindset and we see, we meet this person and we identify with them to be amazing, we create this story around it and then they start acting in ways that are not amazing, but we discount those truths, because we're like, no, like he's great.
Speaker 1:And then it can take years sometimes for people to realize like, oh my gosh like I'm, in love with a fantasy yeah, that was actually very short in the season of of getting to know somebody, and I heard somebody once say, like you know, we have three different ways of looking at like our intimate relationships. We have like compatibility, where we really do have a lot of similarities. We can navigate a lot of life's highs and lows in ways that like support a relationship. Then we have chemistry, which is like this intense passion and this really drawing together, but it could also have, like you know, some some strong pulls back, like some retractions and contractions.
Speaker 1:But what we're really seeking is the thing that's in between in the Venn diagram and that's connection, which means that we can be and navigate life in a very compatible way, but not so much that it negates the chemistry and the stuck in something that is so fixed and rigid that the compatibility has to last the entire you know length of the relationship and the chemistry doesn't have to last the entire length of our lives, but that we can.
Speaker 1:We can wax and wane in those areas because ultimately what we've built is this connection, which takes time to build. It takes different situations and life's highs and lows to navigate together, to see what you have in those areas, and I think that's probably one of the best pieces of advice is that you really do need to see who somebody is over a period of time and build that consistency of of who they are and who you are in in that, in that relationship, or in that, in those interactions. So so you said something about like going to similar places. How do you, how do you do this if you're on dating apps?
Speaker 2:The question that everybody wants to know yes, um dating apps, I so I think it's, if you can, I think it's it's better to meet people in person. Um, I think that there's.
Speaker 2:There's just a higher success rate there and um and I'm not negating dating apps I've, I've, um, you know, talked to people and they're like, oh no, like I met my husband on tinder, like we knew first night, and it's like that's, you know, that's great and that happens frequently. But I think, when we look at all the matches that we get on dating apps, like the numbers of success are still pretty low versus um the people that kind of meet people out, just kind of living life doing the things that they like.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, and I think that, like that kind of goes to like knowing yourself, like knowing yourself and like you know, regardless of what area you step into, like know yourself. And so what about, like, if you're you know you're looking for a partner, you're looking for qualities and similarities, what's important to know about in terms of like, what you're not willing to accept?
Speaker 2:I think knowing like what you're not willing to change about yourself too, knowing like what you're not willing to change about yourself too, um, because there's some people that they have different, um things that they want out of life and they might want someone who is more reserved and you might have a big personality and they might be like you know what, I don't like you going out with your friends that much, I don't like what you're wearing. And then you might say, like, is this something that I'm willing to compromise on? Like, is this something that I want to change about myself?
Speaker 2:So, that can be a list like something. That's kind of like you know what. I just don't think we're compatible. And another thing, too, is creating like a list of just things that you're just not willing to put up with anymore, like I am not okay with being cursed at Like that's my first time we're done.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be screamed at first time we're done. And cheating is another big thing. You know, yeah, you know we're just over at that point thing. You know, yeah, first you know we're just we're just over at that point. Um, and just being very specific with what you will and will not put up with, because that helps us as we're dating, we have that list and we meet someone and we they're really amazing, but they have this one thing and that's on our list of no's and you know, sometimes it's like, you know, I told myself before I met this person this was something I was not going to put up with and then you might have to cut someone off that you you actually really love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's hard, but yeah, you know you have to be confident in yourself that you can also meet someone with those same qualities that you really like about that person, but that also doesn't do that thing that you're just not willing to deal with anymore.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think that's a really important step that, like, if you are in a situation in life where you do need to utilize online dating or matchmaking or dating apps, that you're very, very clear on what you are not willing to allow into your life with somebody you know, like if that, if somebody has this quality or those qualities or you have an interaction that you know mirrors something that maybe it's not on your list but you're like that feels very similar to that, you are quick to to move through, not giving any too much time or or attention. I know when I went into dating, you know it was very intentional to have phone calls or, you know, coffee dates or whatever as quick meetups, and it's something that continued to show up with a lot of people I was I was going on these dates with was just taking these like micro digs at me, being a therapist, which I knew was like their way of trying to, or maybe they felt really insecure about the fact that that's what I did, but I was very quick to be like I'm sorry, this, this is not going to work. I'm not going to allow somebody to take something that I find such passion and purpose and mission in to to kind of like take digs at it. Just that's immature and shows insecurity, and so I was very quick to like move out of that because I understood the dating apps have a lot of people on there that, good or not so good, are not going to be good matches for me, and so it was. It was once you're clear on what those those qualities are and you see them and you allow yourself the, the and give yourself permission to like release that sooner than later, even if you've had good conversations in the past, that helps you really.
Speaker 1:Even if you've had good conversations in the past, that helps you really. You know, hold a space for not being able to participate in a dating in a, in a dynamic that's that has a lot of like unhealthy people out there. You know, like you said, meeting somebody organically has a higher rate of relationships because people are organically going out there investing in something that they value, whereas dating apps and online dating, the only investment is just a page and the monthly subscription fee you're paying and there's not a real investment in that. But there I'm sure are good people out there. But I think that's a really good point of you know when you are clear and what you're not willing to accept and you take action from that place. You know you're going to move through dating in a healthier way than not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and something about dating apps. I'm not knocking them, I think they definitely have their place. So something that was told to me when I was kind of on dating apps and then going out and trying to meet people organically as well, is using dating apps as kind of like practice, and it's the same way when you're meeting people organically. But I think that the dating apps have a little bit more of that practice aspect because you're getting more reps in and while you're doing that, you're practicing how you're vetting these people you're learning more about yourself.
Speaker 2:What qualities do you really like? Because I remember one time I met someone and we were super compatible, like super, super good connection, but they was like one thing where we just, like you know long distance. We're not going to tolerate that, not willing to do. But I took that and I was like I really like all of these qualities about this person. So I'm going to take that knowledge. I'm going to find someone like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's. I think that's a great, a great way to look at them, especially for people who maybe have very rigid like beliefs around dating. Like maybe, while they're doing some of that work around, like I only date this type of person they have to be this tall, like going and just meeting and talking to people in the space of dating. You know one of my really good friends I met and went on a date with. We're like you know, we're actually like kind of friends like this. This feels like a good friend vibe and has ended up being a really great part of my support system. So, like I love that.
Speaker 1:You say practice is just getting out there and being in the energy of dating and learning more about yourself through who and what qualities you could really like find attractive and desire, but also what's like not for you and you're not going to like tolerate or give or invest any more time. And so I think, yeah, not knocking the dating apps. I think everybody who's been in, who's been in the dating game and have done dating apps, would understand they would love somebody organically. But yes, it's, it's definitely something that can be used as a tool. Red flags, green flags, yellow flags, since we're talking about dance and I think those two go together.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely yeah so, um, yeah, a big thing that you want to look out for is being love-bombed. Um, I think that is one of the biggest red flags, where someone you know it's first date and like, oh my gosh, like I, you know, want to marry you, like I want to take you here, I want to do this and, like you know, as, as you start dating more and kind of learning patterns, it's like you'll see that those people fizzle out quick, like they start out real hot and heavy, but you really should be growing in love and connection.
Speaker 2:It should not start out like that in a sense and then also looking out for things like do they put you down? What's their relationship like with?
Speaker 2:their mother is a huge one, mother and father because, how they feel about their parents, um you know whether it's, they were absolutely perfect or they were, you know, the worst people. Both of those extremes can tell you a lot about how they're going to interact with you yeah, because yeah you know, coming from a woman's perspective and dating, dating men um, if his mom can do no wrong and she's the perfect person you know, the pattern that I learned was I'll never be able to meet that standard.
Speaker 2:If she was the worst person and could do nothing right, then I was going to be punished through her, like his relationship with his mom it was. I was always going to be wrong. I was, and so, um, yeah, so that that can tell us a lot, um, kind of being able to view parents as um not being black and white, but like, oh, you know, they have these amazing qualities, but they also were, you know, traumatizing in these ways.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and yeah and that's kind of not talking about extreme examples of abuse and neglect, because that's a whole conversation right um right, yeah, so, um, yeah, just learning about those things how do they treat people when you're like going out? Um, how are they kind to the waitress? Do they hold the door for like the next person walking in just?
Speaker 2:right right that you can pick up on um and how they talk about other people because, um, sometimes, especially with those people who tend to love bomb, they are talking very highly about you and, if you notice, sometimes they're like really mean and they talk negatively about everybody else so that's kind of how you can tell that difference, sometimes because you know it's not genuine, because how could they be so infatuated with you right off the get-go that have, all the same, so many people?
Speaker 1:Mm. Hmm, yeah, I think it is. It's really important in that dating phase to really listen to what are their relationships with the people that are in their lives, so parents, friends, past partners, like, how do they talk about past partners? You know, what is it really if they have children, what is their relationship with children? So, really looking to hear and understand what is this person's relationship with other people that would be part of that community, you know, and, like you said, not having that black and white, but showing the spectrum of perspectives of being like, yeah, it didn't work out with us. Perspectives of being like, yeah, it didn't work out with us, we had this, that and the other go on in our relationship. But we've really learned how to navigate the parenting our child or whatever. Can they? Can they see the, the reality of, of relationships, or is it all in an extreme? And, yes, how do they treat other people? How do they? How do they navigate conflict? You know, like, how quickly do they want to commit? That's a big one too.
Speaker 1:I think one of the most interesting things in my own journey, you know, in finding my partner, was that, you know, when he realized he wanted to date exclusively, he was like, hey, I just want you to know I'm. I'm really not going to entertain dating anybody else, but you take the time you need and you know, I just want you to know. That's where I'm at. And that was nice, like to still have permission in the relationship. That was, I was still needing to see who he was and other people were over a period of time and that was very mature. And that was very mature.
Speaker 1:It was a mature thing to say that he didn't need my commitment, that he was just disclosing, that. This was where he was at and I could come to that at the point that I was ready and if I wasn't, that you know, I just needed to communicate that and I was like, wow, that's actually really nice and it was an appropriate amount of time. So I think, yes, not trying to get something from the other person too quickly at too high of a level, those are definitely big red flags to be watching out for. And ultimately, you know, understanding people, understanding their attachment patterns I think that goes to like what you're saying with family members. Relationship with family members is do they, do they understand themselves in a relationship? And if they don't, that's a big red flag, because that will play out over and over and over again.
Speaker 1:So I think those are great things to really be looking out for and probably what are some of their. What behaviors are you noticing what things are popping up? Are they talking about financial hardships? Are they talking about negative mindset? Are you seeing these? You know what things are popping up. Are they talking about financial hardships? Are they talking about, like you know, like negative mindset? Are you seeing these things play out? But, again, you don't see that unless you're giving them a period of time for that to play out with some consistency. So, all great things to be looking out for. So can you tell me some green flags that we can actually be like?
Speaker 2:yay, Aware of their flaws and willing to share them is a huge thing. So you were, you definitely shared a green flag with your partner where he was like hey, like this is where I'm at, but he gave you that autonomy and that time to choose and didn't view you as like an object to possess. It was like I'm going to give you time and and that was something that my current partner did with me as well, as you know, we had those conversations, um, you know, maybe we're not ready to like commit in a relationship but, like you know, I'm not really seeing anyone else at the moment, type of thing but we're still kind of evaluating each other and you know you mentioned attachment too, and being aware of attachment patterns is like a huge thing.
Speaker 2:Because, you know my current partner too. He tends to be avoidant and he shared that with me. He's like this is my pattern. I'm working through it. Let me know if you ever feel that for me so that I can adjust.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, yeah, that's amazing yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then, and not only that, but like just other, like hey, like you know, I with my partner too, I have ADHD. They're like hey, like you know, I with my partner too, I have ADHD. I'm very like my space seems disorganized sometimes because I function better when I see everything out. And I'm like hey, like this, like I get like messy sometimes, let me know if it's ever too much.
Speaker 2:And he's like no, I'll just work around that you know we might not like about each other. Um, necessarily it's like, it's like, no, like I still, I still love every part of you. I'm just gonna create like little barriers for like so that you know you can compromise and and um and feel so fulfilled, so they're not gonna be like putting you down for things that you know, are just a part of you. They're just like okay, like how's the way that, how's the way that we can work around this issue together?
Speaker 1:And it's not a task. Yeah, and you know, I think that's such a beautiful thing, especially when you step into the space of vulnerability to acknowledge something about yourself that maybe is, is something in the past, somebody else has maybe attached you on or whatever, and somebody meets you with grace and meets you with you know, permission to be yourself and solutions on how to protect the relationship within that. So all good stuff. I know we're kind of running out of time, but we have so much more to talk about in dating.
Speaker 2:I know we do?
Speaker 1:I know you know it's one of those things that it's a hot topic and there are so many people out there that will be like well, this is my program you have to follow, and I know we kind of want to get into that too. So I feel like we need like part two, part three, part four.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, just to get to get deeper into it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I know we definitely want to talk about like conscious commitment coming up, but I think it would be great to talk about like a little bit more in that dating phase and then how to get to that conscious commitment.
Speaker 1:So for everybody out there thank you for listening Know that we're having a part two and probably part three coming out. I'm going to put you know Allison's contact information, her socials. I've known Allison for a couple of years and I have to tell you she is very tenacious in her own self-work, which has made her such a great resource for others who are doing this. And I know she works with couples, she works with individuals, she works with children, especially understanding that attachment component. So please feel free to reach out, schedule an appointment with her, a consult. She's just a ray of sunshine when it comes to helping you navigate just your concept of self and how to be in healthy relationships. So thank you for listening, thank you for watching Allison, thank you for joining us. I can't wait to have you back. Thank you for having me. Absolutely, we'll see you guys next time.
